Have you ever faced a situation where you had an extremely difficult decision to make; and whatever path you chose you knew it was going to hurt? I try my hardest to live my life without any regrets and for the most part, it’s going well… but here lately I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. My mom always told me to think with my heart first but never forget my head but it seems to get harder and harder. I feel like I’ve hurt so many people in the last couple of weeks and my intentions were not to do that. I want to make things right but every turn I take, it seems to just blow up in my face. I’m not a bad person, or at least I keep telling myself that… maybe I will believe it eventually.
Bottom line is, if I’ve hurt you in any way; I’m sorry – from the bottom of my heart. You know who you are, no need for names. I like to think that all things happen for a reason, good and bad; and will help us grow as human beings. I guess only time will tell.
Sometimes I wonder if I really have lost my damn mind. It can be scary actually. I never mean any harm but always manage to get myself in the most fucked up situations. I think a Voo Doo lady in New Orleans put a hex on me while I was in her shop, lol. I was goofing off and playing with her dolls when I should’ve just left them alone. And there I go being paranoid again! It never stops, will it ever?
I’m too proud to see a counselor but feel too weak at times to deal with it on my own. I don’t wanna stay in this circle like a pony at the fair, going round and round – so sad. I wonder what people did before there were counselors/shrinks/therapists? I guess they lived sad, short lives? Or maybe they were actually happier than everyone else. Young girls think “I’m too fat.” Elder people think “I’m too old.” Crazy people think “I’m a fish!” As long as you’re true to yourself, does it really matter?
And how exactly do we measure crazy? Shouldn’t we look at the shrink like they’re a little nutty for stealing crazy peoples money to tell them they’re crazy? I don’t get it. But perhaps that’s why I’m in this situation I’m in now.
If I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me, how the hell is a stranger going to figure me out? If my thoughts change from one direction to the next in the blink of an eye, how will I ever find an answer? Maybe that question will never be answered…
Have fun interpreting my life public. I guess that’s the beauty of interpretation though… you can make it to your liking. Just like a magnificent painting, it can be taken a thousand different ways.
6 comments
Comments feed for this article
September 20, 2008 at 9:56 am
therapy
I think that sometimes simply having someone to talk to, that you can be completely honest and open with can help. If you are able to find the right person to talk with, whether it’s a therapist of some sort, or simply just a friend who is a very good listener. Someone who is able to create a comfortable environment in which any and all barriers get broken down. Someone who is non-partial, and will tell you how it is, without any personal bias. Someone who may be able to help you understand the various feelings and thoughts that you are having. I would give some credence to the fact that there are certain people out there who may have a combination of some formal training and the natural ability to heal others. The formal training part may be helpful in sorting through all the babble that one tends to throw at them……….overall, it is helpful to simply get everything out.
September 20, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Lindsey
So how much do you charge per hour? Perhaps you could help me…
I think a big part of me chooses not to seek professional advice for fear they will tell me something I do not want to hear. It’s like I’m stuck in Lindsey’s World and I don’t want to change it – but yet I do. More babble I know…Blogging helps a lot though; it seems to be a wonderful form of therapy. Even though it may seem very odd to some, I enjoy writing my ideas for the public (non-biased) to view. I feel like I can get feedback from people who do not know me that well and it also serves as an ego booster when you receive positive comments.
I had a conversation with my Grandmother and she told me to be thankful that this is coming out now though. Better now than later. So I’m trying to look at things in a different light, the person that holds in these feelings for SO long probably is much more insane than the man walking down the street talking to himself. Thanks for your kind advice; maybe I’ll work up the courage someday to give my local therapist a call. They will make a fortune off of me that’s for sure!
It’s also discouraging when you’ve known someone whom was/is going to therapy and it didn’t seem to do alot of good for them…people are ultimately gonna do whatever their little brains desire, with help or without it.
September 21, 2008 at 9:29 pm
tim
Interesting thoughts, i’ve learned that there has to be a balance acheived between making decisions based on feelings/emotions and what we know is right. Feelings can be a fleeting and fickle thing that change all the time so for me its been essential to have someone with wisdom of years to bounce things off of and always ask myself how the decision I make will affect me in the future. The “if it feels right do it” mindset is fantasy land and much as we wish we could live that way sometimes……it wont serve anyone well over time. Obviously I dont know your personal situation but we have conversed in the past and you’re welcome to email me if you ever want to talk something through. Hang in there, it’s worth it…..really!
September 21, 2008 at 10:49 pm
Lindsey
I don’t think there are any boundaries between my “feelings/emotions” and what’s the “the right/logical thing to do.” That may be my problem. Ever since my dad passed away I promised him I would be this strong person. After witnessing him go through something like that I just knew my problems were minimal compared to his. I put my emotions in the back seat and rode it out. But maybe I’ve been too strong, if there is such a thing. Recently someone brought out those feelings and once again I sit here stunned and feeling like an emotional freak after everything has played itself out. For what seems like the first time in 2 years, I have just wept like a newborn baby. While I’m going through something that is extremely difficult, it feels nice to cry and get these feelings out. And I thank that person for that.
October 14, 2008 at 8:21 pm
therapy
I just checked in for the first time since my initial comment. I think that Tim’s contribution seems to have been pretty well thought out.
I don’t know your friend’s situation. However, I do know that sometimes it can take a very dramatic event to finally jar someone into seeing things more clearly. Any attempt to change one’s behavior, whether through therapy or other means, is never easy. There also is no guarantee that even going to therapy or attempting to change, will work. Any good therapist will tell you that. I believe that two keys to having a beneficial therapy experience are: honesty and the desire to change. It’s similar to a cigarette smoker who decides to try and quit smoking. If they aren’t honest with themselves and don’t really want to quit (are doing it for someone else), they probably never will.
In general, try to find that balance in life. It seems you have been up to some exciting, positive adventures as of late. Hang in there.
October 15, 2008 at 12:27 am
Lindsey
Yea I FINALLY tried therapy and all the guy could say at the end was, wow. lol, I so need to write a book… so I got my camera stolen and retrieved this weekend, thank you Mr. Officer. And I’ve been living in a hotel room for the past couple of days. hmmm… I can’t wait to see what the future holds. An adventure is an understatement, I’m going to look at apartments tomorrow. Let’s hope that goes well. I need some peace in my life right now…the adventures need to slow down.